Justins Assemble!

It's Time For An Emergency Meeting of the Justins

On Tuesday night in New York City, Justin Timberlake was arrested and charged with a DWI. I would like to take this opportunity to condemn his actions as a man, a driver, and most importantly, a Justin. Timberlake’s behavior does not represent the values that we Justins stand for. Fellow Justins of the world, the time is long overdue for a lengthy discussion about how and why the leading Justins of the world have given us such poor representation. 

The news about Justin Timberlake hurts even more if, like me, you saw him as a beacon of representation for artistic ADHD Justins the world over. While the little boys named “Chris” and “Jimmy” are spoiled for choice regarding role models, Justins are fewer and further between. 

This Justin was near the end of his rope – last year, I read Britney’s book. This piled on to the outrage I already felt after I’d grown up to learn the details of how he handled (i.e. never took any accountability for) his role in Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction. 

I’m delighted to say I have successfully avoided all that by leaving the singing behind in my high school choir room and living in such a remote part of New England that it’s physically impossible for me to enter a committed relationship that anyone could write a tell-all book about. 

And then there’s Justin Bieber who, exactly ten years ago, was also arrested for DWI. Unlike Bieber, this Justin right here not only has never been charged with a DWI, I only drink socially in the form of my quarterly Kahlua Sombrero. Still, given the consequences both Bieber and Timberlake have faced for their actions, it gives me some small comfort to know that no Justin is above the law. 

Next, I know there are bound to be many questions regarding the disgraced voice actor and Rick & Morty co-creator Justin Roiland. Simply put, “Justin” isn’t even his real first name. It’s his middle name and his real first name is Mark. So, while my heart goes out to his fellow Marks who already have to deal with Mark “I could’ve stopped 9/11” Wahlberg and Mark “I created a website that’s about to topple American democracy” Zuckerberg, we Justins have too much on our plate. Not our Mark, not our circus. 

One of the reasons I go by my full name “Justin Avery Smith” is to show that while being a Justin is part of my identity, it’s not my whole identity. In fact, I’m hoping we can raise our standards by living up to my own namesake, Dr. Justin Marler, a cardiologist from the CBS soap opera, Guiding Light. 

But just because the current crop of high-profile cases are bad, doesn’t mean there aren’t pockets of the public eye where a Justin can step up and give us the representation we deserve. While Justin Long has been able to salvage some goodwill by acting in iconic movies like Idiocracy, Dodgeball, and Jeepers Creepers, he was also in Drag Me to Hell, the ending of which scarred me for life as a teenager so I’m not ready to jump on that hype train quite yet.

Since the biggest and baddest apples have tainted the Justin barrel, it falls onto all other Justins around the world to assemble and strategize about how we can all show everyone in our local communities how diverse, complex, and unproblematic we all are.

Not you though, Justin Guarini, you’re perfect the way you are. Keep doing what you’re doing!